t to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the pas

The loss of a partner, especially if not by mutual agreement, means a loss of belonging and self-esteem. We suddenly cease to be attractive – in our own eyes – and we often do not care about anything else until our perception changes for the better. We become isolates whose value has dramatically fallen. Like Glen, a member of a dating club, who said that after his marriage broke up, he joined a few dating agencies “to make friends as quickly as possible and to avoid feeling the crap my breakdown made me feel”. Interesting word he used to describe his emotions. At such times, it is pointless telling someone to ‘snap out of it’, or that things will get better. Their lack of belonging and feeling of being unwanted means they cannot see what well-meaning advisers can. They have to go through a painful period of denial, acknowledgment and grief, followed by reluctant acquiescence and, finally, full acceptance of their situation before they can even begin to come to terms with their loss and rebuild their self-esteem.

Generally, women suffer from a lack of belonging more acutely than men. Being more emotional and tactile because of their nurturing role, they are constantly questioning the behaviour of partners towards them, frequently assessing their role in the family and requiring reassurance of their place and value within it. Hence the desire to be told that they are loved, and physically shown appreciation, instead of it being merely implied. This attitude is not easily understood by many men who may be reluctant to display any form of affection too often (perhaps being deprived of it in their own childhood) and wish it to be taken for granted.

This desire to belong and have absolute commitment to the relationship means that women are deeply affected by illicit affairs while, for men, it is their egos which take a roasting (especially if their rivals are perceived to be more powerful and have higher status). They often become non-persons in the process. Both partners’ sense of belonging and, indirectly, their value and usefulness in the relationship, are determined by their place within the home. Competition from other love rivals immediately brings this role into question, confuses their sense of belonging and devalues the perception of their own significance.

Allowing Natural Grief
I remember not being able to contemplate divorce for the first three months after I left home. I could not tolerate the thought of a permanent separation and saw an early reconciliation as the best result. Six months later, after the most awful isolated December I ever experienced, despite my attempts to engage dialogue, filing for divorce seemed not only natural, but long overdue. I was such a different, positive person, it was unbelievable. In effect, I had gone through all five stages without even realising it. The two weeks spent entirely on my own that Christmas (the absence of my family killed my desire to see any friends), while deeply grief-stricken and feeling sorry for myself, was the obvious key point to see me on my way.

Allowing myself to grieve naturally, instead of wearing a ‘happy’ front to please others, was the most important element in my new life. It pushed me forward to full acceptance of my situation with a greater faith in myself as a new single person. The death of my young sister and father during this period on my own (everything coming in threes!) served not only to increase my own appreciation of being alive but also to focus my attention even more on the need to be independent and to rebuild a positive life.

Some people who lose their jobs, loved ones or relationships never reach the fourth and fifth stages of acquiescence and acceptance. Remaining locked in perennial grief, they continue to question the obvious, or to be bitter and vengeful for years. The present means little to them while they cling to the past because, with the memories being so painful, they are difficult to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the past

and rebuild their self-esteem.

Generally, women suffer from a lack of belonging more acutely than men. Being more emotional and tactile because of their nurturing role, they are constantly questioning the behaviour of partners towards them, frequently assessing their role in the family and requiring reassurance of their place and value within it. Hence the desire to be told that they are loved, and physically shown appreciation, instead of it being merely implied. This attitude is not easily understood by many men who may be reluctant to display any form of affection too often (perhaps being deprived of it in their own childhood) and wish it to be taken for granted.

This desire to belong and have absolute commitment to the relationship means that women are deeply affected by illicit affairs while, for men, it is their egos which take a roasting (especially if their rivals are perceived to be more powerful and have higher status). They often become non-persons in the process. Both partners’ sense of belonging and, indirectly, their value and usefulness in the relationship, are determined by their place within the home. Competition from other love rivals immediately brings this role into question, confuses their sense of belonging and devalues the perception of their own significance.

Allowing Natural Grief
I remember not being able to contemplate divorce for the first three months after I left home. I could not tolerate the thought of a permanent separation and saw an early reconciliation as the best result. Six months later, after the most awful isolated December I ever experienced, despite my attempts to engage dialogue, filing for divorce seemed not only natural, but long overdue. I was such a different, positive person, it was unbelievable. In effect, I had gone through all five stages without even realising it. The two weeks spent entirely on my own that Christmas (the absence of my family killed my desire to see any friends), while deeply grief-stricken and feeling sorry for myself, was the obvious key point to see me on my way.

Allowing myself to grieve naturally, instead of wearing a ‘happy’ front to please others, was the most important element in my new life. It pushed me forward to full acceptance of my situation with a greater faith in myself as a new single person. The death of my young sister and father during this period on my own (everything coming in threes!) served not only to increase my own appreciation of being alive but also to focus my attention even more on the need to be independent and to rebuild a positive life.

Some people who lose their jobs, loved ones or relationships never reach the fourth and fifth stages of acquiescence and acceptance. Remaining locked in perennial grief, they continue to question the obvious, or to be bitter and vengeful for years. The present means little to them while they cling to the past because, with the memories being so painful, they are difficult to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the pas

s. Both partners’ sense of belonging and, indirectly, their value and usefulness in the relationship, are determined by their place within the home. Competition from other love rivals immediately brings this role into question, confuses their sense of belonging and devalues the perception of their own significance.

Allowing Natural Grief
I remember not being able to contemplate divorce for the first three months after I left home. I could not tolerate the thought of a permanent separation and saw an early reconciliation as the best result. Six months later, after the most awful isolated December I ever experienced, despite my attempts to engage dialogue, filing for divorce seemed not only natural, but long overdue. I was such a different, positive person, it was unbelievable. In effect, I had gone through all five stages without even realising it. The two weeks spent entirely on my own that Christmas (the absence of my family killed my desire to see any friends), while deeply grief-stricken and feeling sorry for myself, was the obvious key point to see me on my way.

Allowing myself to grieve naturally, instead of wearing a ‘happy’ front to please others, was the most important element in my new life. It pushed me forward to full acceptance of my situation with a greater faith in myself as a new single person. The death of my young sister and father during this period on my own (everything coming in threes!) served not only to increase my own appreciation of being alive but also to focus my attention even more on the need to be independent and to rebuild a positive life.

Some people who lose their jobs, loved ones or relationships never reach the fourth and fifth stages of acquiescence and acceptance. Remaining locked in perennial grief, they continue to question the obvious, or to be bitter and vengeful for years. The present means little to them while they cling to the past because, with the memories being so painful, they are difficult to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the pas

e deeply grief-stricken and feeling sorry for myself, was the obvious key point to see me on my way.

Allowing myself to grieve naturally, instead of wearing a ‘happy’ front to please others, was the most important element in my new life. It pushed me forward to full acceptance of my situation with a greater faith in myself as a new single person. The death of my young sister and father during this period on my own (everything coming in threes!) served not only to increase my own appreciation of being alive but also to focus my attention even more on the need to be independent and to rebuild a positive life.

Some people who lose their jobs, loved ones or relationships never reach the fourth and fifth stages of acquiescence and acceptance. Remaining locked in perennial grief, they continue to question the obvious, or to be bitter and vengeful for years. The present means little to them while they cling to the past because, with the memories being so painful, they are difficult to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the pas

t to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a ‘victim’ status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action – a ‘good’ reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void
However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships but also reduces their personal appeal, which often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. The first time I met my husband for discussions, after 18 months, it was very sad to see how he still spoke in terms of me being at home and doing all those things he claimed pained him so much. The present was totally ignored while he continued to wallow in the past.

It is difficult to move forward when one party is still stuck in time. Only reinforcement and affirmation from others can help, but often these times are precisely when such ‘victims’ are denied encouragement. Feeling hurt and unable to bear it, people in this predicament are not exactly exciting to be with, so they often fail to attract the very sympathy they desperately need. At such times friends or relatives, who would be fully conversant with the story by then, often shy away to avoid feeling further discomfort, embarrassment or simple boredom. They are likely to have heard the tales of woe or seen the consequences too many times and feel powerless to effect any change.