uch less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hea

I know what I instinctively do when I get angry. I sit on it.

I want to think about it. I want to think about what to do with it. If the person who just said or did something that got my anger started, especially if it’s my husband or my daughter, I most especially stuff it down until I can figure out what to say. Often the moment gets lost entirely. I find myself grumpy or tense ten minutes later, ruminating on my anger like a cow chewing cud, and my opportunity to express myself feels lost forever.

Not so. What I’m describing here, it seems, is me beating myself up because I didn’t know what to do with the anger I was feeling. What’s sometimes worse is when my husband is angry. At me.

I can handle his anger if it’s towards others. I get behind him, confirm his righteous indignation, his enemy is my enemy. I’m a great team player. So where am I when he’s angry at me? What team am I on?

The first split second I feel his coolness, I’m on team Rori. I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off. I’m the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong. Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict. I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too. All I need to do is share my anger.

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in "I feel" messages, not "You did" messages. And yet -- How do you do that? Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hear

ewing cud, and my opportunity to express myself feels lost forever.

Not so. What I’m describing here, it seems, is me beating myself up because I didn’t know what to do with the anger I was feeling. What’s sometimes worse is when my husband is angry. At me.

I can handle his anger if it’s towards others. I get behind him, confirm his righteous indignation, his enemy is my enemy. I’m a great team player. So where am I when he’s angry at me? What team am I on?

The first split second I feel his coolness, I’m on team Rori. I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off. I’m the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong. Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict. I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too. All I need to do is share my anger.

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in "I feel" messages, not "You did" messages. And yet -- How do you do that? Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hea

gry at me? What team am I on?

The first split second I feel his coolness, I’m on team Rori. I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off. I’m the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong. Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict. I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too. All I need to do is share my anger.

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in "I feel" messages, not "You did" messages. And yet -- How do you do that? Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hea

his moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too. All I need to do is share my anger.

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in "I feel" messages, not "You did" messages. And yet -- How do you do that? Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hea

uch less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hear.

One of the emotions we women have the most trouble with is anger, and anger is also the emotion we often seem to have the most of! We are all angry a good part of the time. Perhaps it’s disappointment, or irritation, or pure rage. Some of us have gotten seriously sick trying to hold in so much anger. Some of us can only attract men who offend us, who make us angry, because we are so angry.

Putting a smiley face on our anger just makes it all worse, because on top of the authentic angry inferno anyone who stands next to us can sense (no matter how dense we think they are) we’re adding the disrespect of trying to hide it from them. We’re pretending it’s not even there -- though it’s like a great big elephant sticking out of our chests. That angry elephant trumpets through our words no matter how hard we try to disguise it. When we pretend, we appear at best like automatons, at worst like liars. We can seem completely out of touch with ourselves and at the same time complain about how men can’t get in touch with their feelings!

So, what to do?

1. Agree that anger, even murderous rage, is just a feeling. It’s just energy. And it’s most likely covering pain. Because anger truly does feel better than pain, it’s a very worthwhile and helpful emotion.

2. Admit to ourselves that what we’re feeling is anger, and that it belongs to us, not to the man across the dinner table. Admit that it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with that man across the table. It may be anger from the last relationship, the last two dozen relationships, or our relationships with our parents. And then admit that if it is about the man across the table, and he's said or done something clearly hurtful, you not only don’t have to tolerate it -- y