hink. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, wh

Open-ended questions are a good way to start responsive, productive conversations. They elicit complete, thoughtful answers that reveal what's important to the person responding. They're used by teachers to help students think and by friends to help friends feel heard and comforted.

More importantly, open-ended questions help create common goals, resolve disagreements, and close up the distance that can grow over time between friends, family, and partners.

In both work and personal situations, caring and sensitive people pride themselves on crafting their open-ended questions with, well, caring and sensitivity.

So why don't they get the results they want? Why do they continue to struggle with misunderstandings, disconnects, and the gradual slide of previously-close relationships into a frustrating lack of communication?

They're asking the wrong open-ended questions.

Sometimes you know right away when you've asked the wrong question. If the response you get is confused or, worse, angry and reactionary, you've got a pretty good clue. And that's a good thing, because it allows you to try something different right away.

But sometimes you get a reasoned, apparently responsive answer. You have a great conversation - you'd even call it a productive discussion. You feel that you've made progress and that change is underway.

And nothing happens. Maybe things even get worse. You wait patiently (or not so patiently), and then you try again, asking the same question since it got a good answer the first time - and anyway, you really do want to know the answer!

You may be getting clear, thoughtful answers, but if you're not getting the results you want, you're asking the wrong question.

When you want a change to happen in your relationship with someone, the questions you ask must be meaningful in terms of how the other person views the problem.

That's a key point, and bears repeating.

If you're in a relationship, whether at work or at home, where you feel something needs to change, you must frame your questions so they address the other person's viewpoint. If your questions come only from your viewpoint, they won't - can't - achieve your goal of creating change, even if they lead to a terrific conversation.

For example, if your co-worker is missing project deadlines, you might ask how you can help him finish his tasks on time. His answer might be perfectly reasonable. But if he's missing deadlines because he thinks the project schedule is impossible, he won't get any better at meeting them because you've asked how you can help.

Likewise, if your spouse is putting in a lot of overtime, you might ask her how she feels about not spending more time with you. She might reply that it really bothers her, and you may have a great conversation about how she could establish better boundaries with her manager. But if she's been promised a promotion or if she's excited by the project, she's not going to be coming home any earlier.

If you've been asking open-ended questions that lead to what seem to be productive, responsive conversations, but you're still not seeing the results you want - then it's time to stop and think. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, wha

strating lack of communication?

They're asking the wrong open-ended questions.

Sometimes you know right away when you've asked the wrong question. If the response you get is confused or, worse, angry and reactionary, you've got a pretty good clue. And that's a good thing, because it allows you to try something different right away.

But sometimes you get a reasoned, apparently responsive answer. You have a great conversation - you'd even call it a productive discussion. You feel that you've made progress and that change is underway.

And nothing happens. Maybe things even get worse. You wait patiently (or not so patiently), and then you try again, asking the same question since it got a good answer the first time - and anyway, you really do want to know the answer!

You may be getting clear, thoughtful answers, but if you're not getting the results you want, you're asking the wrong question.

When you want a change to happen in your relationship with someone, the questions you ask must be meaningful in terms of how the other person views the problem.

That's a key point, and bears repeating.

If you're in a relationship, whether at work or at home, where you feel something needs to change, you must frame your questions so they address the other person's viewpoint. If your questions come only from your viewpoint, they won't - can't - achieve your goal of creating change, even if they lead to a terrific conversation.

For example, if your co-worker is missing project deadlines, you might ask how you can help him finish his tasks on time. His answer might be perfectly reasonable. But if he's missing deadlines because he thinks the project schedule is impossible, he won't get any better at meeting them because you've asked how you can help.

Likewise, if your spouse is putting in a lot of overtime, you might ask her how she feels about not spending more time with you. She might reply that it really bothers her, and you may have a great conversation about how she could establish better boundaries with her manager. But if she's been promised a promotion or if she's excited by the project, she's not going to be coming home any earlier.

If you've been asking open-ended questions that lead to what seem to be productive, responsive conversations, but you're still not seeing the results you want - then it's time to stop and think. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, wh

may be getting clear, thoughtful answers, but if you're not getting the results you want, you're asking the wrong question.

When you want a change to happen in your relationship with someone, the questions you ask must be meaningful in terms of how the other person views the problem.

That's a key point, and bears repeating.

If you're in a relationship, whether at work or at home, where you feel something needs to change, you must frame your questions so they address the other person's viewpoint. If your questions come only from your viewpoint, they won't - can't - achieve your goal of creating change, even if they lead to a terrific conversation.

For example, if your co-worker is missing project deadlines, you might ask how you can help him finish his tasks on time. His answer might be perfectly reasonable. But if he's missing deadlines because he thinks the project schedule is impossible, he won't get any better at meeting them because you've asked how you can help.

Likewise, if your spouse is putting in a lot of overtime, you might ask her how she feels about not spending more time with you. She might reply that it really bothers her, and you may have a great conversation about how she could establish better boundaries with her manager. But if she's been promised a promotion or if she's excited by the project, she's not going to be coming home any earlier.

If you've been asking open-ended questions that lead to what seem to be productive, responsive conversations, but you're still not seeing the results you want - then it's time to stop and think. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, wh

s on time. His answer might be perfectly reasonable. But if he's missing deadlines because he thinks the project schedule is impossible, he won't get any better at meeting them because you've asked how you can help.

Likewise, if your spouse is putting in a lot of overtime, you might ask her how she feels about not spending more time with you. She might reply that it really bothers her, and you may have a great conversation about how she could establish better boundaries with her manager. But if she's been promised a promotion or if she's excited by the project, she's not going to be coming home any earlier.

If you've been asking open-ended questions that lead to what seem to be productive, responsive conversations, but you're still not seeing the results you want - then it's time to stop and think. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, wh

hink. What can you ask that will draw out the real problem?

You might ask your co-worker how he feels about the deadlines assigned to his tasks. And you might ask your wife how she feels about the project she's working on. In these examples, those questions are more likely to get you closer to understanding what's really going on.

Of course, I've given away the secret by telling you the other person's point of view. It's not quite so easy in real life. In real life, you often have to try several times before you find the right question. And to do that, you'll have to put yourself into the other person's situation, which can be both difficult and painful.

It comes down to asking yourself the question of how much you want the change to happen. So my question for you is, what relationships are you in that could use some improvement? And what new questions can you ask to help make those changes? Drop me a line and let me know how it goes!

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers." James Thurber, U.S. humorist and cartoonist, 1894 - 1961