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Will You Add? - We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
As a young man getting started with my own business, I found that being tall, dark, and handsome simply made me blend in with all of my devilishly, good-looking compatriots. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that if I was going to make it in Toledo, I needed my own memory hook; a distinct thing that made me noticeable and memorable.One night, at an after-hours business event, I decided to look around the room to kick up some fresh ideas.“What about a hat?” I thought to myself. “No. I enjoy having a full head of hair. I don’t want to cover that up.”“What about wearing tennis shoes with my suit?” Suddenly, I pictured Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. “No. That’s not quite the image I’m trying to build.”Then, I noticed a younger man at the cocktail party who looked like he just rolled out of bed. You see, the trend nowadays is to look like you don’t care about your looks. Tousled hair, untucked shirt, fringes at the end of each pant leg: these are some of the pieces meticulously assembled to create the “I don’t care what I look like” look.I knew this wasn’t my style. I’m a tucked-in shirt kind of guy. I needed something a little more substa
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How hav
If you are one who does a lot of traveling and has pets, you know it is not always possible to find someone you can trust to house sit. Therefore you may have to consider taking your dogs to a dog kennel or your other pets to a pet hotel.These facilities and those who operate them have specific programs you can choose from as to how much pampering you want to have for your pet. It is possible to negotiate a more favorable situation at your local dog kennel or pet hotel if you will consider doing so.This is not to say that you will not want to get the regular package only that you will want to get ups and extras but not be charged for them. The most important thing is to get the employee who takes the order to fall in love with your pet. Next, the dog kennel must not see you as a rich person or they will not give you any discounts or ups and extras without charging you exorbitant rates.Once you have established those two items now you're ready to negotiate for price all the while explaining how important your pet is and what a wonderful animal it is. Most people fail to negotiate for more favorable situation at their dog kennels and those that don't; it is t
There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list several at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don’t. Maybe you’ve tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, there’s a feeling of being stuck, and you’d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.
What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help your energy stay focused and flowing, including possible conversation openings.
You’ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:
1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
2. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How have
What is Direct Response marketing? The central idea behind direct response marketing is to create an immediate benefit for your prospect coupled with a sense of urgency and a ‘call to action’ (what you require the prospect to do - e.g. get ?5 discount if you respond in the next hour).If your product is complex and the customer needs to be educated about it, you are best to suggest they should call a telephone number, visit a website or join a mailing list.Although direct marketing is usually associated with mail, magazines and television, it can be supported by virtually any medium: billboards, print advertisements, online ads, indoor and outdoor advertising, you name it…In this article we will mainly focus on direct response campaigns that generate qualified leads for your products. In future articles I will discuss how to develop customer databases and build customer relationships through direct marketing.How does it work? Success in direct response campaigns is measured by ‘effectiveness.’As long as there is a budget at hand, anyone can produce an ad and send it out there. For the direct marketer, this i
You’ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:
1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
2. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How hav
Going International and Learning about Cultural DiversityThis article relates to the Diversity in the Workplace Competency, commonly evaluated in employee satisfaction surveys. This competency explores whether your organization provides understanding and supports interaction among diverse population groups while respecting individuals' personal values and ideas. Research shows that by fostering a climate where equity and mutual respect are intrinsic, an organization can create a success-oriented, cooperative and caring work environment that draws intellectual strength and produces innovative solutions from the synergy of its people. All businesses can benefit from a diverse body of talent bringing fresh ideas, perspectives, and views to the workplace. However, a diverse workforce means that the managers within your organization must be capable of capitalizing on the mixture of genders, cultural backgrounds, ages, and lifestyles present in your staff to respond to business opportunities more rapidly and creatively.This article, Going International and Learning about Cultural Diversity, is part of AlphaMeasure's compilation, Tales from the Corporate Frontlines. It provi
2. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How hav
How do you make a good relationship with a newspaper so that you can get new contacts?Newspaper relationships are probably the most difficult relationships to form. Often a newspaper will have different departments that look after advertising, human interest stories, editorials and daily news. If you know one person in a department, it does not necessarily get you credibility into another department. A client I had in the past needed to have a good relationship with the newspaper because they wanted to launch a new product that would impact the labor force. The client had been an advertiser in the paper for years but was finding that he was having difficulty gaining entry into the other parts of the newspaper. As it turned out, he was not really involved in the community and the paper was only interested in stories where company's had community involvement.My client joined two organizations that were held in regard as far as community was concerned. He joined the groups that he knew reporters or paper representatives also belonged. Once he became involved, he got to know the other people from the newspaper and soon had no problem getting press releases read. Without t
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How hav
• Don’t wear all black. You’ll look as though you’re disappearing into a hole. This often throws women into a panic, as we love the slimming properties of black, particularly when TV will probably make you look slightly heavier than you are in real life. Black trousers or skirt will normally be fine as a filmed interview will generally concentrate on your top half, but do go for a colour on top if you can.• Don’t wear all white. It makes TV lights bounce back and you’ll look as though you just descended from the heavens on a cloud.• Don’t wear anything with a very small pattern such as pin-stripes, tweed or polka dots. Again, it has a strange effect on TV lights known as strobing. Men should avoid pinstripe shirts – bring a change of clothes if you’re not sure.• No visible logos of companies or brands (watch out for this particularly on sportswear) as this may be regarded as advertising. You may be asked to change if a logo is too obvious.• Avoid buying a new outfit the day before and acting as if you’re going to a job interview. If you feel too stiff and formal in your clothes this will affect how you express yourself.• If you can’t decide wh
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to pe
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